august 20 1987

if you are ever in the forest
and some fucker fires a bullet at you
right in your bell
or there abouts
just look up in the trees
count the little squirrels
and see if you can tell
which one has the fluffiest tail
you know
make it into a game
if you guess the right creature
you get a new car
that is
if you don't bleed to death first  

girlfriend

don't listen to what
people say
sticking your girlfriend between
yourself
and a maniac 
with a loaded gun
is not what it is
cracked up to be

she will hardly think
it is funny at all

there are people out there
who enjoy masturbation
more than sexual intercourse
and those people
essentially
are the happiest people in the world
or they would be anyway
if they didn't feel so guilty about
all that shit

headless rappin'

this rap singer
invented this really fucking cool way
of rapping
see
what he would do
is rip his head off his shoulders
and throw it into the audience
while doing his home boy stuff
thing is
he could get his head to fly around
and rap and bitch
but the microphone
no matter how hard he tried
would just drop to the ground
and he would be heard
by nobody

sex

sixty years ago
sex was saturated with guilt
condemnation and unnatural restraint
now
instead
it is this fucking casual thing
done by whoever , wherever
in any way , shape or position
but here's the shit :
in twenty years time
if enough people dress up like bees
and only have sex on top of houses
then that's exactly what
people will defend to the death
you know
like a religious truth
or something stupid like that

the fart...

when i was a child
i used to think that a "fart"
was actually spelled "farnt"
and that's how i would pronounce it too
anyway
times have changed now
i have come to realize that "fart"
is actually spelled with a silent "p"
you know
"pfarnt"
or just "phart"
...something like that anyway

how's the cult ???

so i walked into this fucking clergyman
he was going one way
i was going another
i say to him :
"how is the cult ???"
he says :
"fine"
then we both get down on all four legs
do circles
sniff each others ass's
and continue on 

the boston bruins

just a few minutes ago
my favorite hockey team lost
the stanley cup finals
fuck , it really sucks...
and do you know what ???
i wish i were a religious freak...
right now
i could roast a goat
sacrifice a virgin
any of that good wholesome shit
we have been deprived of
in the name of progress

you would think
in a half decent society
maybe we shouldn't  slaughter goats
but we sure as fuck can
run them over in our cars

now , that's what i call religion 

the pope

what the pope
was completely unaware of
was
that "fuck-head"
was a term on endearment
and that
"shit for brains"
meant
"i love you" 
as for "have a nice day"
there is no excuse
for that type of language

the clergyman...june 15 2013

so the clergy man
gets up in front of his church
preaches this sermon on adultery
says he is against it
sings another hymn
does the benediction
buggers out the door
packs his shits and rubbers
and moved in with his best friend's wife
just a few blocks down the road

amen 

august 17 1986

outside in the middle of the forest
camping o-natural
with seven or eight kids
teenagers , actually  
fuck ,  man , we could
be killed at any time
molested and eaten by wild animals

you know
 i'm feeling a bit peckish myself
"you campers stay here
i 'll drive back into town
and get some pizza "
i mean
fuck cooking over an open fire
it might attract
them there wold animals
or something like that  anyway

meet the baptists

i have this issue , kinda , anyway
i have this thing about
approval and name dropping
and bragging just a tad
you know , not much
just a tad 
and do you know who would
judge me for it
mentioning no names
the baptists , that's who
i will tell you this , dear puppy-cats
the dirtier the human
the more judgmental they become
as my great friend moses once said
and i quote :
"fuck'em , hey mother"  

ode to an octopus

it is common knowledge
that the less legs an animal has
the more of a fuck up he is
(take humans for example)
and that is why
my best friend
is an octopus
that octopus was the
best screw i ever had 

for women or men who want a new partner...

making love with a beautiful partner
can lead to a wonderful orgasm
but do you know what else can do the same thing???
doing your income tax
yup , that's right
all that fucking stress
can not only replace love
and stimulate the shit out of you 
but you can mail it away
after you are finished
quite the deal , eh ???

my key chain

for five years or so
i searched for this particular key chain
eventually
in a small store in montreal
i found the fucking thing
so what did i do???
well , i will tell you what i did
i bought the whole fucking box
is what i did
then i had 40 key chains
instead of zero
for you lay people
that's 40 better 

september 1 2001

for the last month of my life
i have been trying to befriend a horse
talk to him , warm up to him
expressing tenderness and gentleness
and all that shit
anyway
today was the day
i made contact
thing is , however
when i went to pat him
my elbow hit the electric fence
sparks flew every fucking place you looked
i ran one way
he ran the other 
until he stopped just long enough to say
"go fuck yourself"
(i speak horse)

and that was the end
of our friendship

july 10 1999

this crazy fucker
the reverend of a small church
somewhere in southern texas
gets out of bed
still quite drunk from the night before
crawls behind his podium
throws up all over the fucking place
and begins to bitch about the second coming
that it had already happened
and , for that matter
the second , third and fourth happened too
he tells his congregation
to go to the liquor store
stalk up as much as they can
because the shit is , indeed
going to hit the fan 

march 18 1986

i dated the ministers daughter
pentecostal , she was
anyway , when i went to have a piss
she looked at my stuff
and found some naked pictures of me
she went home , of course
and told her dad
you know , being righteous and all that shit

and i promptly got in trouble

...and here is the funny bit
18 years later
i was modeling naked in an art college
and who was there drawing
my bare ass body but
the pentecostal squealer chick
after class she walks up to me
and says : "full circle , hey stu ???
i just smile
indeed it was

april 18 1992

so some drugged out tit
got himself in financial trouble
with a motor bike gang
they sent him on top of this hill
to blow business men for cash
his pimp went away for a minute
to have a piss
when he got back
he caught him blowing this guy for free
he said : "what the fuck are you doing ???"
he replied :
" i am building up our clientele"  
 

hot dog roast

i watched this movie
where these teenagers
(a truck load of them)
had this hotdog roast
on the beach
thing is
the little fuckers only roasted
one hotdog
between the lot of them
now , i'm no expert in math
or in hotdogs
but unless  those kids are cannibals
they are gonna be really
shit out of luck 

sperm collection

the thing about having a sperm collecting
(that is
if you want it to be complete)
is that you can never make a baby
which
of course
is the very reason why
god gave us sperm
in the first place

i bet you
roman catholics
don't have this problem 

ode to a married couple

you hate my guts
and i keep trying to fix everything
give me a wrench
i will stick it through
my rib cage
right into my small intestines  
and you will be loving me again
before the night is through
darling

and if that doesn't work
i'll buy you some chicken mcnuggets

conversation

next time you talk to someone
remember
the content means sweet fuck all
all they care about is that
you look good saying it
other people sitting around agree
there is something in it for them
and you think they are a
very swell individual

fuck , any two of these
and they will believe just about anything

rafa and rafa

it was the day after the french open 2012
i was walking down the street
thinking of the final competition
i said to myself
"fuck , that rafa nadal can fucking play tennis
un-fucking-believable"
as the words (literally) crossed my mind
a dog barked
and then ran in my general direction
i said to its master
"what's his name???"
she replied :"rafa"  
 i said :"you mean , like in rafa nadel"
she said :"that's who he's named after"

and her and i have been friends to this very day  

may 19 1986

what i like best about the evangelist
is his 1500 dollar suit
and the fact that , by now ,
he has fucked every girl in the congregation
you know
it creates a mystery
like
when in the fuck is he
going to get caught
and how good of a liar is he going to be
and who is going to give a shit
besides the guys
doing the exact same thing
face it
hypocrisy is the common bond
that keeps the church together

the price of alcohol

if my penis
could go up
like the price of alcohol
i would be
the happiest feller
in this galaxy
and the one
that is destined to hit us
in two billion years time
(it's not their fault ) 

my father and the pittsburgh steelers

super bowl sunday
a few years ago
in the presence of his beloved wife
my father took a gun
and blew his brains all over the room
this could have been very sad and tragic
but i tried to see the bright side
the inherent joke
within the darkness
that is to say
when people ask me why he did it
i just tell them
that he didn't like the pittsburgh steelers

todays generation

am i envious of todays generation  ???
if by envious you mean
i am truly convinced that the poor fuckers
got suckered into a raw deal
without anyone even asking them
for their opinion 
then , yes
i am completely  envious

working through shit

this little child
is on his knees
in humility and true love
he says
"lord , teach me the burden
of unanswered prayer"

suddenly
he hears this smug cackle
in the distance
and a voice that replies
"is there any other kind???"