september 1 2001

for the last month of my life
i have been trying to befriend a horse
talk to him , warm up to him
expressing tenderness and gentleness
and all that shit
anyway
today was the day
i made contact
thing is , however
when i went to pat him
my elbow hit the electric fence
sparks flew every fucking place you looked
i ran one way
he ran the other 
until he stopped just long enough to say
"go fuck yourself"
(i speak horse)

and that was the end
of our friendship

july 10 1999

this crazy fucker
the reverend of a small church
somewhere in southern texas
gets out of bed
still quite drunk from the night before
crawls behind his podium
throws up all over the fucking place
and begins to bitch about the second coming
that it had already happened
and , for that matter
the second , third and fourth happened too
he tells his congregation
to go to the liquor store
stalk up as much as they can
because the shit is , indeed
going to hit the fan 

march 18 1986

i dated the ministers daughter
pentecostal , she was
anyway , when i went to have a piss
she looked at my stuff
and found some naked pictures of me
she went home , of course
and told her dad
you know , being righteous and all that shit

and i promptly got in trouble

...and here is the funny bit
18 years later
i was modeling naked in an art college
and who was there drawing
my bare ass body but
the pentecostal squealer chick
after class she walks up to me
and says : "full circle , hey stu ???
i just smile
indeed it was

april 18 1992

so some drugged out tit
got himself in financial trouble
with a motor bike gang
they sent him on top of this hill
to blow business men for cash
his pimp went away for a minute
to have a piss
when he got back
he caught him blowing this guy for free
he said : "what the fuck are you doing ???"
he replied :
" i am building up our clientele"  
 

hot dog roast

i watched this movie
where these teenagers
(a truck load of them)
had this hotdog roast
on the beach
thing is
the little fuckers only roasted
one hotdog
between the lot of them
now , i'm no expert in math
or in hotdogs
but unless  those kids are cannibals
they are gonna be really
shit out of luck 

sperm collection

the thing about having a sperm collecting
(that is
if you want it to be complete)
is that you can never make a baby
which
of course
is the very reason why
god gave us sperm
in the first place

i bet you
roman catholics
don't have this problem 

ode to a married couple

you hate my guts
and i keep trying to fix everything
give me a wrench
i will stick it through
my rib cage
right into my small intestines  
and you will be loving me again
before the night is through
darling

and if that doesn't work
i'll buy you some chicken mcnuggets