fucking well lucky...march 30 2013

we are all
very fucking lucky
that a few hundred years ago
or so
a bunch of guys
thought they could all get rich
by allowing us to be reasonably free
otherwise
we would all be screwed
and shackled

the clock...march 29 2013

during the day
i turn off my clock
to save energy
thing is
when i want to turn it back on
i don't know what
fucking time it is
i would look at my watch
but that hasn't worked for years

any ideas??? 

my kid

you said that you didn't like my kid
that he was ugly or stupid
or something like that
you know
a homely retard
or in that general ballpark
anyway
what i came to learn
was that you weren't referring to my kid at all
in fact
you were trying to get me out of your life
here's a hint
next time you want someone to go
just say
(it's quite easy actually)
get the fuck out of here
you will be pleasantly surprised at the results 

the baptist church...march 28 2013

thank you for your invite
to preach at your local church
unfortunately
your particular denomination
baptist
i personally consider to be
one of the spiritually darkest
and demon infested
shit holes on the planet
so i will
at this time
decline
thank you anyway
good luck in the lord
amen

vagina...march 2013

the difference between
a black hole
and a vagina

i have never been
sucked into a black hole

close encounters of a third kind...march 27 2013

close encounters of a third kind
the wonderful story
of a man who
destroys his property
abandons his children
cheats on his wife
then hitch-hikes a ride
with little green slimy critters
to another galaxy

touching !!! 

october 20 1996

i heard a rumor
that i freeze large rats
in my freezer
i would love to know
who comes up with this shit
not to get mad
or give them crap of any sort
i am just curious
of the thought process
that gets to the large rat conclusion

so many rodents left out
of the picture
for no particular reason   

febuary 19 1999

i go to my fiances apartment
for supper
there are nine meals on the table
each one in a different stage
of decomposition
anywhere from fresh to rotten
i say
"darling , how friggen unique
fuck , darling
i thought your dancing cat
was interesting
but this takes the cake
can you explain to me again
why we can't have sex...
ever ???" 

may 22 1987

my friend the lesbian
was caught at it some how
you know
the act of lesbianism
anyway
the minister is up there
preaching his hole off
coincidentally
on the topic of lesbians
the sermon is entitled
lesbians will burn in hell
the good news is that
he never mentiones my friend by name
the bad news is
he has a 12 foot picture of her
that he points to
every time he does not mention her
by name
praise the lord indeed
but who's lord is he praising   

here is how it goes down...march 22 2013

here is how it goes down
i find you in the garbage
hopeless
all fucked up
so i love you
breathe in to you new life
you gradually recover
resent the hell out of me
for helping you
every time you see me
you see your weakness
so you attack
call me all sorts of nasty shit 
piss on me when i am down
then disown me for bleeding on your
brand new carpet

sounds fair

march 2 1999

there i am
on top of my fiances automobile
as she drives down the street
i bang on the windshield
as the piss runs down my pants
i thought it was bad screaming over her body
while she was faking comas
but that was fun
compared to this shit
my friend is watching us go
he doesn't bother to wave
maybe he is being impolite
or maybe just possibly
it is freaking him out too 

the tally...march 20 2013

i finally tallied it up
and as it turned out
in that particular situation
with that particular group of people
i would ask them approximately 73 questions
to every one question
that they would ask me

masturbation is fine
but it should be done
with your hand
not your mouth 

april 18 2003

the thing about loving someone
fully and completely
and then having them disown you
is that they usually feel the need
to make up stories
and bastardize you
so they can justify themselves
and feel really good again
if you want them to leave the relationship
with complete joy and contentment
and not desire to hurt you
anymore than they already have
the best solution
is what i refer to as the
take a piece of shit
and grind it on their forehead 
solution
it goes like this
take a piece of shit
and grind it on their forehead
strangely enough
they will love you for it

the coming apocalypse...march 18 2013

the minister preached on
the coming apocalypse
how everything is going to shit
and there will not be much food or booze
or any of the essentials
he warned his congregation
to start collecting humans
and store them in the basement
if you want to keep your family fed
come the time of judgement

(praise god
the reverend was big on the family unit) 

december 18 1996

i once knew this girl
with three first names
two of which were the same
furthermore
she had 18 personalities
each one worse than the one before
she had three hobbies
lie
deceive
and bullshit
the only thing that she ever said to me
that may in fact be true
was that her father
was from outer-space

then came that fatal day
when she got trampled
by a moose
we drank and rejoiced
all through the night
and from that day on
i always loved moose 

      

the bus...march 16 2013

i like riding in the bus
behind ass holes
i sit there and pray
that the driver has to hit his breaks hard
so i can stick my front teeth
in the back of his head

fuck i love public transportation

the dollar store...jan. 19 2009

so i'm at the dollar store
and the fellow in front of me
says to the clerk
"got any surprise bags???"
i reply
"your wife turned out to be a bag
and that was a surprise"
he just nods
itches the back of his head
and leaves
the clerk some money

they...march 14 2013

they would not come to my funeral
they would just sit around
with their heads up their asses
shaking their head
and wiggling their tails
at my untimely demise
"ain't it a shame"
would actually mean
"i hope the fucker burns in hell"
if you took the time 
to look up the greek

no , indeed
they would not come to y funeral
but
come to think of it
i wouldn't go to theirs either

this guy driving in italy...march 6 2013

so there i am in italy
in this tunnel
suddenly this fellow
makes a right hand turn
right into the side of the wall
for no apparent reason
i mean
what in the fuck is he
going to tell his insurance company ???

that he forgot walls were solid ???
god told him to ???
that he was scratching his nuts ??? 

hard to say really

starbucks...march 4 2013

these cowboys
get off their horses
burst into starbucks
start shooting at the dildo wallpaper 
yelling shit like
"hi ho , silver"
take out their pet ants
and have a race
(the loser having to suck
everyone's penis)

they were later praised
for their organic behavior