girlfriend in church

what pisses me off is when
your girlfriend shows up to church
with her boyfriend
and she doesn't even give you a warning
so there you are
preaching this wonderful sermon
on unfaithfulness
and the bitch keeps on saying
"amen"
and
at the same time
laughing her hole off
now i know this is
basically the way religion
always pans out
but it still
pisses me off 

jesus

did you ever wonder why
all the questions asked jesus
were rather stupid
(to say the least)
for example
when jesus said
"they will fuck you up
if you follow me"
why didn't someone say
"i get it jesus...
sheep among wolves
and all...
by the way
why did you put me on this fucking
stupid planet again???"
you know
opposed to :
"am i better than shit head over there???"  

august 18 1993

at the annual meeting
the clergy all sit around the table
to discuss ways to punish other clergy
who just happen to be gay

so i raise the point concerning batman
i mean
he is a homosexual
and if he were to save your life
because the joker
or some piece of shit like that
was about to kill you
would you just say
"go away fag boy
go screw robin
and get the fuck out of my way"
i think not a
anyway
they wanted to burn me to a stake
but i hid all the matches

tell the banana bread to fuck off

apparently
religious folk
don't like being told
to fuck off
nearly as much as i thought
however
they do appreciate
a good banana bread
and that more than
makes up for it

reflections

you know that person
you keep referring to
that big fucking ass hole
who plays tennis with his testicles
you know the one
you told me you wanted to see him dead
tortured , as you put it
and not the nice kind of torture either 
well , my dear friend
one thing you should know
before you are going to do
whatever you are going to do
mr. shit for brains, tit head , ars wipe
he is non other...
that you 

october 19 1986

it was my brothers funeral
we were all taking bets
whether or not
he would be raised from the dead
they were giving really good odds too
him being cremated and all 
furthermore the special
raising a corpse from the grave underwear
that i always wear
on such occasions
i had left in the laundry
i just figured that 27 years was long enough
for any planet
to tolerate my brother

afterwards i drank tia maria
and we talked about hockey

the sasquatch

if you don't believe
in the sasquatch
then squeeze ones nuts
and then tell me
you don't believe in him

belief is one % based on truth
and 99% convenience

evolution

evolution
did it happen
maybe maybe not
but here is the important shit
evolution is essentially
brought to you by the same people
who promoted "kevin's fried chicken"
as health food 20 years ago

point
evolution is a fucking industry
and it would completely disrupt the fabric of society
if proven to be crap
evolution
is it bullshit
hard to say
but one thing for sure
we will never know

june 1 1999

someone from "kevin's fried chicken"
called me up for a reference for you
i told them you were terrible in bed
very demanding
a tad fridge
and moaned like a cow
they replied..."what does this have to do
with frying chicken???"
i said
"she can't screw those very well either"  

the liquor commission 2012

so i walk into the liquor commission
there are these two employees huddled together
i say
"isn't it ironic that someone
made a million dollars off a song called 'ironic'
and they don't even know what the fucking word means???"
they just look at each other in shock
then they look at me and say
"we were just talking about the same thing" 

gamera the invincible

it is said that gamera the invincible
has the potential to destroy
the entire fucking world
with relative ease 
thing is
godzilla can kick  his motherfucking ass
across the planet at will
makes you wonder , don't it
who is this godzilla
why does god hate japaneese people so much
that he placed him up their snatch
and
finally
how insignificant does this make us???  

the dude and coke

the dude goes to work
opens up a bottle of coke
(because it's the "real thing")
begins to suck it back
when suddenly
his boss appears
"dude" , he says
"let me see the work you have done
on client 17-b5"
the dude begins to laugh
he takes his bottle of refreshment
and pours it over his head
then proceeds to howl like a wolf
at the ceiling 

the dude

the dude comes over to my abode
i ask him what music he wants to listen to
the dud says that he is too fucking hungry to
listen to music
that he hasn't eaten all day
and that the dude is starving
real bangladesh style 

and the dude want to go for a donair

...so we do...

the dude just gazes at his hunk of meat
tells me that he is full
that he had just eaten a half
an hour ago
and could not eat another bite
then he farts
or as i used to say when i was five...
farnts 

the dude is on top of it , baby
the question is
what the fuck is he on top of ???

my girl

my girl is the most angelic
soft spoken  , all loving
immaculate woman in the world
but she still has hair on her body
like an ape
and my grandpa was butchered by a sasquatch
so i wonder what that all means

anyway
be quiet
here she comes

master of crime

this fucker
a master of crime
cheater at cards
molester of barn animals
and all around shit head of a guy
well , the good towns people
finally got fed up
and chased him into the swamp
thing is
they all drowned
and he , himself
being an olympic
not only got away
but got to screw all the corpses

now , what did god think of that   

at this point

at this point
if you became
 pleasant
it would do
more harm
than good

july 12 1991

i walk these two small dogs
we find a yard sale
i buy them both sweaters
it's over 100 degrees outside
but they look so cute in them
staggering around
with their little eyes rolled back in their heads
the silly little fuckers
don't even know where they are
going around in circles and all
i wish they would stop throwing up
i hope they like the color  

september 10 2003

the last thing i said to my friend was
don't worry
we never get a tornado around here
next morning
we are all screwed
fucked , really 
trees all over the fucking place
1235 people dead
thing is
strangely enough
i knew them all
ass holes every one
they talk on the radio
about how horrible it is
the truth of the matter however
is that these were by far
the 1235 worst people
in our beloved city
we should in fact , rejoice
at its unprecedented luck

time to find a liquor commission  

just remember

just remember that
the next time you love someone
with all your heart mind and soul
so much you would gladly
give your life for them
you know
with a love as big as the universe

just remember
they may think that it's funny

nov. 19 1995

she doesn't like committing adultery
it's against her religion
so she steals her husbands clothes
and makes her lover wear them
then
and this is the tricky part
she tells him to screw really poorly
just like her husband would do
eventually he gets really upset
and says
if you really feel that way
then why don't you just fuck him
she is outrages
and replies
i knew you would say something like that

july 1 1993

we sit on the boardwalk
fairly drunk
and watch the people walk by
i have a loaf of bread
i break off pieces
and throw it at them
now i know
you are not supposed to feed the humans
because they might decide to stick around
and not fly south for the winter
but what the fuck
it's fun 

april 18 1992

so there i was preaching to these homeless people
when one of the more pentecostal of the group
began to scream at me
that i was leading all these poor fuckers to hell
and that he wasn't very happy about it
anyway
the lady beside him
began to scream herself
something about cutting his cock off
if he didn't shut the fuck up
                                               
...and all  i could think of was       
finally
an honest church service

the conversation...march 27 2013

there are some people
more than you can imagine actually
it does not matter what has happened to you
your dr. could have just said
you got six months to live
whatever
regardless
some how
some way
they will make the conversation
about themselves

bigfoot...march 29 2013

just remember this
if you ever see bigfoot
and decide to tell all your friends about it
from that day onward
behind your back
you will not be referred to
by your name
(whatever that may be)
but by..."that crazy dick
who went into the woods
and hallucinated
and did god knows what else
sexually and otherwise
to some poor unsuspecting animal
or human
or both at the same time"

just something to think about   

the movie theater...april 1 2013

thank you for coming
to our movie theater
in case your testicles
are somehow  removed
please go to our snack bar
for reattachment
in case of a holocaust
of any type
or some fucking dil-do shows up
with a gun and proceeds to
blow people away
please go to our snack bar
and if you want any snacks
you guessed it
the snack bar