ice cream

i never met my uncles
my brother disowned me then drowned
chasing some duck that he shot 
my father blew his head off
right in front of his wife
(by the way
the mess is far more substantial
than the movies indicate)
and my aun't choked on chicken
and died
(never even had a chance to
lick her fingers)

all of this , of course ,
has nothing to do with ice cream  

so my mother...

so my mother calls me on the phone
says , and i quote .
"your aunt phylis is dead"
i reply
"how did she die???"
she says
"she choked on chicken" 
i say
"well , she should have killed it
plucked it
and fried it
before she ate it"

dead silence

death

when people die
apparently
they stop moving around
(you know , completely) 
which begs the question
why in the fuck
did i buy
a hockey team
in the dead people league ???
maybe in time things will change
but right now
it don't look good , baby 

a man and his dog

this fellow got a puppy
kicked him around
treated him like shit
no milk bones
you know
doggy hell
anyway , he grew up
(the dog , not the fellow)

bit a child on the leg
blood , police
the whole nine yards
and the fuckers put him down
...and what is the point of this story
you may ask ???
simple
what does the dog
have in common with jesus ???
they both died for our sins 

this girl in australia

this girl in australia
asked me to suck her privates
in the laundry room
i told her to go home
and ask her husband if
it were all right
with him
point being
if he had no issues
then i certainly had no complaints
anyway
she quietly left
and started saying all this shit about me
to all who would listen
(the vast majority) 

eventually ,  however
she caught her husband
in an act of adultery
and went to jail for ten yeard
for cutting off his nuts  

billy mcdonald...not working with paul mccartney :

well , there i was in the studio
and paul mccartney
sure as fuck wasn't there
nobody really seemed surprised
we just went about our business
fucking around doing nothing
until the end of the day
when we all went home
that's about it

this girl

i met this girl
i think i am in love
thing is
she isn't stupid enough
to date me
yet
i feel quite assured that
there is a pill or
some type of drug 
to rectify the problem
i am a believer
nothing can stand
in the way of love

the second coming

jesus is coming
right out of the fucking sky
in a blinding flash of light
and he will say to us
"where is justin beiber's monkey
i'll give you 24 hours
to find the fucking thing
then you are all toast
no shit
i mean it
and it won't be pretty either"

the end 

an ode to chronic masturbation

when i was a boy
i thought
that if i could catch
another child masturbating
and drag him in front of
the meanest kids in school
so they could all
shit all over him
that would mean
that i wasn't a masturbator
anymore

so i did
and i felt really weird
but then god came down and spoke to me
he said
"the catholics have been trying that crap
for centuries
and it didn't work
for them either"   

orgasms

my doctor said 
that the average person my age
has one orgasm per week
my reply was
as long as in begins on sunday
and ends sometime saturday afternoon
that just seems fine to me

she said
that won't happen

october 15 2000

my father wrote me a letter
it said
"dear son
you are a worthless piece of shit
you can't do anything right
totally useless
and a complete fuck-up
sincerely
your father"

i took the letter to
"the art expo"
an excellent little shop
had it mounted and such
wrote on the back
"an apology would be nice
love stu"
and i mailed it to him

i never heard from him again

april 7 2004

a friend of mine
in his mothers basement
made a rather large desk
for a mutual friend
of both of us
thing is
he made it too big
to take out the door
a real pickle , this is
yet there is a solution to every problem
thus
our mutual friend
moved into the basement

...just kidding

YOU HAVE GROWN UP
WHEN YOU BECOME AWARE
THAT THE WEATHERMAN
is not so much an authority on weather
as he is a sneaky little weasel
who measures the size of his penis
by how much he can
bull shit you
and get away with it 

christmas in the tropics

it's christmas in the tropics
santa is here
"ho ho ho" he says
sweating his nuts off
"ho ho fucking ho
i'm gonna die
in this god forsaken shit-hole
holy crap
i've never been so hot
in my fucking life
i don't give a shit
how much i get paid
i'm getting the fuck out of there
ho ho ho" 

it's nice to see santa
think about himself for once 

the greyhound

so i saw this lady
playing with her greyhound
throwing a ball or something
saying..."gooochy , gooochy" etc.
as the dog ran back and forth
up the field

watching this
i couldn't help but think
if that were husband running around
looking like an idiot 
she would probably ask 
for a divorce
.

an ode to a yeti attack

o.k.
here's how we defeat the yeti
you strip naked
i'll pour some sauce over you
and put a bow on your head
then
when he comes running at us
you will lunge
as hard and as fast as possible
right at his cock
as i run the fuck away
as fast as i fucking can

good idea ???

april 3 1997

so there i am
outside bob dylan's dressing room
waiting for him to exit
so i can get an autograph

he opens the door
fuck
what a bad time i pick
to have a crap on the floor
i waited all my life to see mr.dylan
and now that i finally do
he is watching a turd
come out of my ass
all i can think to say is  
"sorry"
and "can you play blowin' in the wind???"

july 18 2000

on a sasquatch hunt
in the french alps
there never has been
a sasquatch sighting here
probably never will be either
but that's o.k.
because we are all really drunk
and i probably wouldn't know what
to say to a sasquatch anyway
besides
nothing turns a girl on like
a good old fashion sasquatch hunt
you know
like maybe the sasquatch will eat us
and this is the last chance
for a good old fashion screw
or something like that anyway 

the government

the government is secretly
breeding sasquatch
to be released in the inner city
and for once and for all
to put an end to anyone
who they figure
is mooching off the system

the name of this plan ???
sasquatch plan 17 b-7
(not to be confused with 17 b-8
where all the sasquatch
bumscrew those politicians
in opposition to the
previously stated plan)    

the tomato

so there i am
in the grocery store
buying just one tomato
next thing i know
there is this guy
two isles over
he may be the only fucker in the world
i would like to throw a tomato at
i pause
i hesitate
i walk out of the store
the tomato in hand

he is so fucking lucky
that i'm civilized  

i am walking down this street
i meet this lady and i say
"i just got back from the doctor's
she put me on this special diet
and now i can cut diamonds
with my turds"...
and she says

me too 

march 1979 , i think

you , me and some chick
were driving on this country road
with the music going
and i say
"what kind of music is that ???"
and you say
"dance music"
and i say
"well , we can't fucking dance in the car
so turn that crap off"

and you do 
the end

russia

do you know what i love
russia
a country with no werewolves 
they love me in russia
and i love russians
they are survivors
troubadours
drinkers of vodka
and fantastic hockey players
their women don't whimper
and their dogs don't bark at night
a hearts as big as siberia
and aliens from outer-space
no well enough not to fuck with the farmers

in the final analysis
russia is awesome  

you know you are a man when...

you now you are a man when
your shit is so hard
you can throw it through
a plexiglass window

or something is that hard
i forget , actually

the yeti

so you went on the television
and told the entire world
that i said
i could beat a yeti
in a fist fight
well
here is the thing
any fucking yeti's
show up at my front door
looking for a rumble
i am giving them your name
your number
the whole fucking nine yards

so go eat shit 

september 11 2003

spending time with a friend
we chat
share stuff and shit
anyway
at the end of the conversation
he tells me all about the aliens
how he has made contact
that they are staying down the street
at the local holiday inn
i reply :
"can they fuck ???"
he says that he doesn't know
i tell him i will take a pass 

the drummer for trooper

one day you are the drummer for trooper
on top of the world
bitching at your manager
about a fucked up contract
and how your drum sticks
tasted like shit
after you shoved them up your ass
next day
it's all over
you are dead
eleven people are singing
"boys in the bright white sports car"
at your funeral
as they piss on the clergyman's sneakers
and screw their faded wives
behind the grave stone
of mat mingelwood's cat

fucking cat
got all the breaks !!!

the modern prison

the modern prison
hands out aphrodisiacs
to all its guests
(not inmates...guests)
so they can
very politely
rape each other
in the showers

 

the crapper

once upon a time
there was this fellow
who had a beautiful shitter
thing is
he spent his entire adult life
watching it
making sure nobody
crapped all over it

when he died
he went to heaven
and god asked him
what he did with his life
he said
he wrote the american novel
and traveled extensively
through south america and europe

the sasquatch

i don't know if i believe
in the sasquatch
(big foot)
or not
but i do know this :
most people are liars
and that i have
never seen one