graffiti purging

problem with graffiti on your house
for 20 dollars we will hunt the fucker down
and shoot his fucking brains
all over the fucking place
20 extra dollars and we will
even clean up the mess

and a free puppy with
the second killing 

the shrink

i went to see a shrink
he just sat there and listened to all my problems
nodded his head and
shit like that
you know , the usual stuff
anyway , that sunday
i saw him in church
he was wearing a t. shirt
with a picture of me on it
and all around the picture
he had listed my problems
every fucking thing i told him
then he pointed at me and laughed hysterically
he approached me and  said :
"are we still on for tomorrow ???"

st. peter

you get really drunk and stoned
in the middle of the woods somewhere
and you , in the tradition of substance abuse
piss all over this guy in a hammock

next scene :
you are at the "pearly gates" with st. peter
now tell me this , einstein
how in the fuck do you
talk your way out of this one ???

believe

i don't believe it either
of course
i didn't see it
and that makes a difference
you know
to a certain extent , anyway
non-the-less
i do not believe
what you are saying

fuck it
let's go eat some chicken
the fried kind 

the catholic church and homosexuality

at this point in time , the roman catholic church
discriminates against homosexuality
that is to say
a pack of men
who don't touch women
who live together
wearing skirts and shit like that
who have a long established history
of fiddling with little boys
are against being gay

got it !!!

sweet baby james...

i remember when i was a kid
james taylor and his wife , carley simon
getting a divorce
fuck , it was the only celebrity marriage
i ever believed in
and it went to shit

you know , i was just a boy
now i understand the workings of a marriage
that is , it is a lot easier
to get out of a good relationship
than a bad one
fact of the matter is
the shit in the seams of  the mess 
holds it together like glue

so i feel better now

the doctor

so the dr. gave this fellow
a box of pills to make his dick hard
thing is
ever since that day
he stopped worshiping the pope
and began worshiping the dr.
he would go to church
and during the prayer time
he would holler out
praise dr. mcdonald
praise his mighty name
all knees bow
to the mighty dr.
amen and praise god
you know , shit like that

the most interesting part :
once the congregation figured out
what was going on
they converted too

september 9 2003

so this fellow
is attempting to convert me
to his fucking religion
you know
the whole nine yards
i am going to hell if i don't see
things his way
all that crap

so i come up with a plan
i shit myself
put my hand down my pants
squeeze a turd as hard as i can
wave it in front of his face
and tell him i have to wash my hands

smart , eh???

the new holiday

so this angel proposed
a new holiday
he figured he would combine
easter and christmas
to save time and money
part of his plan was to put
christmas ornaments on a cross
and the other part was really stupid   
like , retarded stupid

anyway
he got fired
and santa got a raise
just because of the
emotional stress

the wrestler

there was this professional wrestler
his finishing move was the
sexually ambiguous smash
that is to say
he would make a fist
and shove it right up the opponents ass
if the opponent enjoyed it
that would mean he was really tough
really tough and fruity all at the same time 
or something like that anyway

acadia university winter 1981

my first year of post secondary education
i was not doing very well
as i was spending too much time with my girlfriend
suddenly , i had an idea
take off her clothes
and write my study notes all over her body
i would then proceed to read
or even suck
all the information that i needed
and thrust myself into the second semester 

income tax

the anxiety that is involved
in doing an income tax
can actually intensify
the orgasm
leaving many biologests to believe
people fall in love
with their tax return

some biologests , however
do not believe this 

the apostle paul

after jesus was crucified
about a year actually
the apostle paul was out chopping wood
and pulled a muscle in his back
in fact
the pain was so bad
that he could not wipe his own bottom

enters peter
he wipes it for him
but is seen by the village people
(not the disco group
but the real thing)
anyway
they see this as an act of perversion
and disenfranchise him
completely ruining his career
as an apostle

thus begins the age old tradition
of being religious fuck-sticks 

my dog blasphemy

i had a dog named
blasphemy
he was a strange little critter
and when he tried to bark
all that would come out of his mouth
was
jesus h. christ  !!!
blasphemy
eventually got struck by a bolt of lightening
he was in the basement at the time
watching t.v. , i believe 

me and my moony

i met this beautiful  , wonderful moony
i asked her to come to church
to hear me preach
and so she did
with two body guards , in fact
who looked like the fucking c.i.a.
one on either side
can't remember if they had
dark sun glasses or not
anyway
after i finished
she was gone  , almost
 literally dragged out of the 
sanctuary

and that's the story of how
i never got any moon pie 

a lesbian friend

a lesbian friend of mine
in love and truth
fought for her rights
and just like "rocky"
emerged the victor
you know
the acceptance of lesbians into
our little shit hole we refer
to as society

anyway
during the victory celebration
she turns to me and says
"and next...we get rid
of those fucking bi-sexual"

...so much for equality

when confort becomes uncomfortable

for forty days and nights
this young man attended our community
doing sweet fuck all
just sitting there and looking weird
...but as long as he was "happy"...fine

then it happened
he joined in the festivities
the pig fucking contest
a couple drinks , great conversation
all of that shit... 
and we never saw him again

"so what the fuck happened ??? " , you say
easy !!!
someone rolls in shit all their life
take them out , clean them off
it feels so unnatural to them
that they think you are the devil

end of story 

 

had a witness...

it makes good sense
there is no real question , is there ???
the t.v. automatically changed channels
so some of the electronics must be shot , right ???
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
one little catch , however
what do you do if you saw
a stuffed animal walk across the top of the tele
just a few days before
i mean , does that mean nothing ???
do we forget about it ??? justify it ???
or do we write it into the script ??? 

had a witness , and neither of us were drinking  

my muslem friend

i told my muslem friend
that my favorite holiday
was the one where you guys can't eat til sunset
looking somewhat perplexed
he replied : "why ???"
i said that it's just a lot easier
to beat the shit out of you at tennis
when you are starving to death 

mohammad ali

mohammad ali was a draft dodger
rocky marciano was a fight dodger
babe ruth was a brooklyn dodger
and lennix lewis drove a dodge 

my beautiful reward

once i saved this persons life
he was drowning
i was there
an act of love
fuck
how did i know he was going to give me
ten dollars
anyway
i decided to take him out for a milkshake
went over to his house
had a seat
and there it was before me
a voe-doo dall
of your truly
no wonder my nuts fell off
anyway
he explained to me
how it was all my fucking fault
i shook my head
and we went for our milk shake
and this is the story
of my beautiful reward  

the halifax mall july 13 2013

drinking coffee at the halifax mall
this old couple behind me
were suddenly joined by an old friend
they talked about the good old days
all that shit
they smiled , shook hands and left
beautiful right ???
you know , at least until the old fucker was gone
for the next three years , give or take
all they could talk about
was how their bosom buddy
smelled like shit
educational , actually
you know
how many different ways are there
to say somebody
smelled like like a monkey's ass ??? 

the ghost

this young lady
had a ghost in her house
i told her
to suck its dick
and it would leave

knowing full well
she gave rotten blow jobs

models

i wonder how many models
in art class
are drawn with 20 extra pounds
or so
you know
some bastard kid
trying to get back at their dad
for all kinds of nasty shit
fuck
i don't blame the little turd
but the teacher who can point it out
that's one great fucking teacher
smarter than the rest
for sure

kiss the bride

what happens when you kiss the bride
and she turns into a reptile
or something like that
it can happen , you know
i've seen a lot weirder shit
point :
choose your religion carefully
and the ones that tell you :
" too fucking bad , your stuck
with the bitch "
well ,that's definitely
a shitty one 

as for the men
and them turning into a reptile thing-a-ma-jig
they don't have to 
let's face it
most of them are already worse than that
to begin with

young man to take over galaxy...

the gods ordained this particular individual
to rule the fucking galaxy
in fact
truth be known
he was ordained for this position
since the beginning of time
one problem though
all that he has
to take over the galaxy
is a baseball bat
and a bicycle
to travel to all the other planets on
point being
good chance that a bicycle won't fair very well
in conflict
with those big fucking intergalactic
killing, shit bending , nuclear thing-a-ma-jigs

well
that's his problem  

this guy's dog...

this guy's dog
was being chased down the stairs
by a much larger dog
anyway
he fell down the fucking staircase
and his eyes popped out
there he was
looking like an idiot
making a mess all over fucking floor
...and as for the much larger dog
he just kinda slithered away
and pretended that
he didn't see a fucking thing

rich man poor man

the difference between
rich people and poor people
is that poor people
are in the position
where they at least
have to pretend they are humble
when they get caught
fucking up

as for the rich
people will usually make excuses for them
you know
unless it's crucifixion time

drinking responsibly

when you drink
drink responsibly
for example
if you have only 30 dollars a day to spend
on luxury items and shit
and you have a 30 dollar per day drinking habit
then the responsible individual
will not eat a fucking bite
unless he can steal in
from some poor fuck-head
you know
use the brain
god gave you 

world orgasm day

i think everyone
in the world
who has an orgasm
on world orgasm day
should give the founder
of world orgasm day
10 cents per orgasm
15 cents
for a multiple orgasm
and a bonus penny
if someone screams
at the top of their lungs

did i mention
that the founder
is my publisher
what a fucking coincidence !!!