piss catcher

what do you do with your piss catcher
after , of course , it catches some piss ???
well , i will tell you what you do
you take it
put it in the washer
then give it a wash
funny , eh ???
basically the same fucking thing
you do with your underwear
who would have thought ???

good luck

when everyone treats
everyone like shit
then life simply goes on
very few complication at all
it is being good
that fucks everything up
you know , walls come down
expectations
secrets , vulnerability
all of this creates
horrible , horrible situation
that can potentially ruin your life

so what an i trying to say ???
not a lot
just
good luck !!! 

the hockey player

the hockey player
was good enough
to get all the chicks chasing him
you know , the american dream
all the sex he wanted
bottom line
he got an infection
and his dick fell off

and that's what i call
achievement in the world of sports 

things have changed

it used to be
back in the 70's
that if you mentioned someone masturbated
in a movie
well , all hell would break out
now it's kinda the opposite
that is to say
if your character is male
and over a certain age 
him jerking off
is just part of the character development
and if you didn't mention it
you will be considered a poor writer 

grizzly adams

grizzly adams meandered
through the forest
finding people to help
and encourage
why ???
well
probably because he had
nothing better to do

a country song

i just wrote
a country song
it's called :
" if you kill me
i'm just gonna have
to live with it " 

the scariest monster

what do all monsters have in common  ???
give up ???
they try to control us
using fear and other such wonderful crap
...and  what do all people have in common
you know , besides jesus
and his " chosen few "
simple
they try to control us too
the only difference
they lie or try to be polite about it

monsters are so much more honest
than humans

hiring this kid...

so this kid comes to
a job interview at my work
i say :
"are you ambitious ???"
he says
"i sure as shit am
in fact
i just screwed your wife
on my way over here
now you can't get any more ambitious
than that , can you ??? " 

"no , i guess not "

the exhibitionist

so the exhibitionist
sued the complainers
for voyeurism
and made a cool
million dollars

now that's what i call
justice 

...for all you homosexauls...

a bible verse for all
you homosexuals out there
to reaffirm your place
in the universe :

"it is not what you
put into your mouth
that makes you unclean" 

...feel better now ??? 

an ode to communication

ask someone a question
get their answer
then place a new question
in front of their answer
and go and tell their friends about it

self esteem

the best way
to develop self esteem
is to hire a private detective
and get some shit
on everyone around you
it is a hell of a lot easier
than learning to love yourself 
and you can't blackmail yourself

don't believe in bigfoot

so you don't believe in bigfoot ???
o.k.
let's get this straight
bigfoot
jumped out of the forest
shoved his 28 inch penis
directly up your behind
grabbed you by the neck
walked you to the local supermarket
bought you
a box of chocolates
and made you eat every last fucking one
yet , still
you don't believe in him 

how about the loch ness monster ???

your festering gob...

did you know
there is shit you can eat
that will make you fat
and starve you
to death
as you stuff
your festering gob
with it ???

next time you get some religion
think of this  
 

somewhere in heaven

right now
somewhere in heaven
born again christians
are having a board meeting
with the intent
of demoting jesus
to water boy
apparently
this has happened
on at least
one occasion before  

a reasonable question

i saw this horror movie
where this evil demon thing
lived in this church
and ate kids in the basement
this is all well and good
thing is
how in the fuck
did he buy the church
in the first place ???
what did he do
place a bid on it
and negotiate until
the price was lowered
i'm not going anywhere with this
i'm just asking

hitler

so hitler was talking to his navy people
and he mentioned the canadian navy
he said
and i quote :
"don't worry about those dumb fuckers
they will sink themselves"
and everyone started laughing
that is
everyone but this one fellow
who laughed so hard 
that he fell off his chair
and had to be taken to the infirmary

and from that day on
in the secret chambers of his heart
hitler wished that he had not been
a blood thirsty tyrant
but a stand-up comedian instead  

sex ???

the difference between
sex and masturbation ???
simple !!!
masturbation
does not come with a price
you know
unless you sprain
your wrist
or something 

just remember
even slugs screw
only the most intelligent animals
in the world
masturbate

besides the fuck

when they asked ghandi
what he thought of western civilization
he replied :
"that would be a good
fucking idea"
you know
minus the fuck 

thank god

thank god
you only need
1 %
of the information
to make
a well informed
assessment
of the situation

right ???

t.rex and intelligence

when i was a boy
t.rex was considered to be about
as smart as a bowl of soup
then he mysteriously became as smart
as my next door neighbor
fuck
soon he will be as smart as
the aliens from outer-space
who put him here
all those years ago 

t.rex

so my friend asked me
what i thought it would be like
being eaten by a t. rex
my reply :
how in the fuck should i know
i don't even have a vagina  

dead silence

born to reproduce...

born to reproduce
everything about us
from our dicks to our penis's
from regina to vagina
the whole fucking thing
from cptn. kirk's boner 
to spock being in heat  
all our gear in our underwear
and all the shit
we do down there
we are sexual beings
and the fun is there for
no other reason than to
confuse us

we are to make babies
...but...does anyone know why ??? 

god's mercy nov. 08

my girlfriend would beat
the piss right out of me
but by god's mercy
i would always replenish
my piss supply 
you know , a miracle
but urine instead of
loaves and fish
better than loaves and fish actually
that is , unless the fish talked
we refer to talking fish
as a # 1 grade miracle    

marg nov. 08

she would sit outside my apartment
and press her ear to the wall
i guess some people just love
the sound of chainsaws
silly little giggles  
and people screaming
out of their anus 

it beats t.v. these days 

jesus just looked concerned

god said to jesus :
"i'm sending you down to earth now
just remember
they love transparency
and unconditional love
they can't get enough of it
be kind , gentle
and you will wrap them around your fingers"
then god sprayed his rum all over the place
and proceeded to laugh so hard 
that he bruised his left rib cage

jesus just looked concerned

a pickle called life

we spend the first half of our lives
learning shit
and the next half
putting into practice
everything that we learned
thing is
most of the time
the shit we learned the first half
is just that : shit
and this is why
the road called life
for most people
is more like a pickle

lesbian cows nov. 08

my girlfriend and i
would screw like lesbian cows
then we would make jokes
about what her priest would say
if he walked in the room
then we would laugh
and do the cow thing some more

and you thought clergymen were useless

you decide

i was walking through the park
and there was this fellow with no clothes on
meandering aimlessly around
seemingly doing sweet fuck all
 i couldn't help but wonder
at this point 
is this a sign of freedom and expression
or that the idiots are talking over

you decide

the law

anyone who murders their father
should be forced to marry their mother
unless , of course
they are bi-sexual
in which case
during the wedding
they have to wear
a bag over their head

or something like that