remember...

remember
next time you go to church
you are not being prepared
for the next life
or this life
or any fucking thing in between
( in fact , the opposite is probably true)

and above all
remember this
nobody's heart is in the right place

piss catcher

what do you do with your piss catcher
after , of course , it catches some piss ???
well , i will tell you what you do
you take it
put it in the washer
then give it a wash
funny , eh ???
basically the same fucking thing
you do with your underwear
who would have thought ???

good luck

when everyone treats
everyone like shit
then life simply goes on
very few complication at all
it is being good
that fucks everything up
you know , walls come down
expectations
secrets , vulnerability
all of this creates
horrible , horrible situation
that can potentially ruin your life

so what an i trying to say ???
not a lot
just
good luck !!! 

the hockey player

the hockey player
was good enough
to get all the chicks chasing him
you know , the american dream
all the sex he wanted
bottom line
he got an infection
and his dick fell off

and that's what i call
achievement in the world of sports 

things have changed

it used to be
back in the 70's
that if you mentioned someone masturbated
in a movie
well , all hell would break out
now it's kinda the opposite
that is to say
if your character is male
and over a certain age 
him jerking off
is just part of the character development
and if you didn't mention it
you will be considered a poor writer 

grizzly adams

grizzly adams meandered
through the forest
finding people to help
and encourage
why ???
well
probably because he had
nothing better to do

a country song

i just wrote
a country song
it's called :
" if you kill me
i'm just gonna have
to live with it " 

the scariest monster

what do all monsters have in common  ???
give up ???
they try to control us
using fear and other such wonderful crap
...and  what do all people have in common
you know , besides jesus
and his " chosen few "
simple
they try to control us too
the only difference
they lie or try to be polite about it

monsters are so much more honest
than humans

hiring this kid...

so this kid comes to
a job interview at my work
i say :
"are you ambitious ???"
he says
"i sure as shit am
in fact
i just screwed your wife
on my way over here
now you can't get any more ambitious
than that , can you ??? " 

"no , i guess not "

the exhibitionist

so the exhibitionist
sued the complainers
for voyeurism
and made a cool
million dollars

now that's what i call
justice 

...for all you homosexauls...

a bible verse for all
you homosexuals out there
to reaffirm your place
in the universe :

"it is not what you
put into your mouth
that makes you unclean" 

...feel better now ??? 

an ode to communication

ask someone a question
get their answer
then place a new question
in front of their answer
and go and tell their friends about it

self esteem

the best way
to develop self esteem
is to hire a private detective
and get some shit
on everyone around you
it is a hell of a lot easier
than learning to love yourself 
and you can't blackmail yourself

don't believe in bigfoot

so you don't believe in bigfoot ???
o.k.
let's get this straight
bigfoot
jumped out of the forest
shoved his 28 inch penis
directly up your behind
grabbed you by the neck
walked you to the local supermarket
bought you
a box of chocolates
and made you eat every last fucking one
yet , still
you don't believe in him 

how about the loch ness monster ???

your festering gob...

did you know
there is shit you can eat
that will make you fat
and starve you
to death
as you stuff
your festering gob
with it ???

next time you get some religion
think of this  
 

somewhere in heaven

right now
somewhere in heaven
born again christians
are having a board meeting
with the intent
of demoting jesus
to water boy
apparently
this has happened
on at least
one occasion before  

a reasonable question

i saw this horror movie
where this evil demon thing
lived in this church
and ate kids in the basement
this is all well and good
thing is
how in the fuck
did he buy the church
in the first place ???
what did he do
place a bid on it
and negotiate until
the price was lowered
i'm not going anywhere with this
i'm just asking

hitler

so hitler was talking to his navy people
and he mentioned the canadian navy
he said
and i quote :
"don't worry about those dumb fuckers
they will sink themselves"
and everyone started laughing
that is
everyone but this one fellow
who laughed so hard 
that he fell off his chair
and had to be taken to the infirmary

and from that day on
in the secret chambers of his heart
hitler wished that he had not been
a blood thirsty tyrant
but a stand-up comedian instead  

sex ???

the difference between
sex and masturbation ???
simple !!!
masturbation
does not come with a price
you know
unless you sprain
your wrist
or something 

just remember
even slugs screw
only the most intelligent animals
in the world
masturbate

besides the fuck

when they asked ghandi
what he thought of western civilization
he replied :
"that would be a good
fucking idea"
you know
minus the fuck 

thank god

thank god
you only need
1 %
of the information
to make
a well informed
assessment
of the situation

right ???

t.rex and intelligence

when i was a boy
t.rex was considered to be about
as smart as a bowl of soup
then he mysteriously became as smart
as my next door neighbor
fuck
soon he will be as smart as
the aliens from outer-space
who put him here
all those years ago 

t.rex

so my friend asked me
what i thought it would be like
being eaten by a t. rex
my reply :
how in the fuck should i know
i don't even have a vagina  

dead silence

born to reproduce...

born to reproduce
everything about us
from our dicks to our penis's
from regina to vagina
the whole fucking thing
from cptn. kirk's boner 
to spock being in heat  
all our gear in our underwear
and all the shit
we do down there
we are sexual beings
and the fun is there for
no other reason than to
confuse us

we are to make babies
...but...does anyone know why ??? 

god's mercy nov. 08

my girlfriend would beat
the piss right out of me
but by god's mercy
i would always replenish
my piss supply 
you know , a miracle
but urine instead of
loaves and fish
better than loaves and fish actually
that is , unless the fish talked
we refer to talking fish
as a # 1 grade miracle    

marg nov. 08

she would sit outside my apartment
and press her ear to the wall
i guess some people just love
the sound of chainsaws
silly little giggles  
and people screaming
out of their anus 

it beats t.v. these days 

jesus just looked concerned

god said to jesus :
"i'm sending you down to earth now
just remember
they love transparency
and unconditional love
they can't get enough of it
be kind , gentle
and you will wrap them around your fingers"
then god sprayed his rum all over the place
and proceeded to laugh so hard 
that he bruised his left rib cage

jesus just looked concerned

a pickle called life

we spend the first half of our lives
learning shit
and the next half
putting into practice
everything that we learned
thing is
most of the time
the shit we learned the first half
is just that : shit
and this is why
the road called life
for most people
is more like a pickle

lesbian cows nov. 08

my girlfriend and i
would screw like lesbian cows
then we would make jokes
about what her priest would say
if he walked in the room
then we would laugh
and do the cow thing some more

and you thought clergymen were useless

you decide

i was walking through the park
and there was this fellow with no clothes on
meandering aimlessly around
seemingly doing sweet fuck all
 i couldn't help but wonder
at this point 
is this a sign of freedom and expression
or that the idiots are talking over

you decide

the law

anyone who murders their father
should be forced to marry their mother
unless , of course
they are bi-sexual
in which case
during the wedding
they have to wear
a bag over their head

or something like that

graffiti purging

problem with graffiti on your house
for 20 dollars we will hunt the fucker down
and shoot his fucking brains
all over the fucking place
20 extra dollars and we will
even clean up the mess

and a free puppy with
the second killing 

the shrink

i went to see a shrink
he just sat there and listened to all my problems
nodded his head and
shit like that
you know , the usual stuff
anyway , that sunday
i saw him in church
he was wearing a t. shirt
with a picture of me on it
and all around the picture
he had listed my problems
every fucking thing i told him
then he pointed at me and laughed hysterically
he approached me and  said :
"are we still on for tomorrow ???"

st. peter

you get really drunk and stoned
in the middle of the woods somewhere
and you , in the tradition of substance abuse
piss all over this guy in a hammock

next scene :
you are at the "pearly gates" with st. peter
now tell me this , einstein
how in the fuck do you
talk your way out of this one ???

believe

i don't believe it either
of course
i didn't see it
and that makes a difference
you know
to a certain extent , anyway
non-the-less
i do not believe
what you are saying

fuck it
let's go eat some chicken
the fried kind 

the catholic church and homosexuality

at this point in time , the roman catholic church
discriminates against homosexuality
that is to say
a pack of men
who don't touch women
who live together
wearing skirts and shit like that
who have a long established history
of fiddling with little boys
are against being gay

got it !!!

sweet baby james...

i remember when i was a kid
james taylor and his wife , carley simon
getting a divorce
fuck , it was the only celebrity marriage
i ever believed in
and it went to shit

you know , i was just a boy
now i understand the workings of a marriage
that is , it is a lot easier
to get out of a good relationship
than a bad one
fact of the matter is
the shit in the seams of  the mess 
holds it together like glue

so i feel better now

the doctor

so the dr. gave this fellow
a box of pills to make his dick hard
thing is
ever since that day
he stopped worshiping the pope
and began worshiping the dr.
he would go to church
and during the prayer time
he would holler out
praise dr. mcdonald
praise his mighty name
all knees bow
to the mighty dr.
amen and praise god
you know , shit like that

the most interesting part :
once the congregation figured out
what was going on
they converted too

september 9 2003

so this fellow
is attempting to convert me
to his fucking religion
you know
the whole nine yards
i am going to hell if i don't see
things his way
all that crap

so i come up with a plan
i shit myself
put my hand down my pants
squeeze a turd as hard as i can
wave it in front of his face
and tell him i have to wash my hands

smart , eh???

the new holiday

so this angel proposed
a new holiday
he figured he would combine
easter and christmas
to save time and money
part of his plan was to put
christmas ornaments on a cross
and the other part was really stupid   
like , retarded stupid

anyway
he got fired
and santa got a raise
just because of the
emotional stress

the wrestler

there was this professional wrestler
his finishing move was the
sexually ambiguous smash
that is to say
he would make a fist
and shove it right up the opponents ass
if the opponent enjoyed it
that would mean he was really tough
really tough and fruity all at the same time 
or something like that anyway

acadia university winter 1981

my first year of post secondary education
i was not doing very well
as i was spending too much time with my girlfriend
suddenly , i had an idea
take off her clothes
and write my study notes all over her body
i would then proceed to read
or even suck
all the information that i needed
and thrust myself into the second semester 

income tax

the anxiety that is involved
in doing an income tax
can actually intensify
the orgasm
leaving many biologests to believe
people fall in love
with their tax return

some biologests , however
do not believe this 

the apostle paul

after jesus was crucified
about a year actually
the apostle paul was out chopping wood
and pulled a muscle in his back
in fact
the pain was so bad
that he could not wipe his own bottom

enters peter
he wipes it for him
but is seen by the village people
(not the disco group
but the real thing)
anyway
they see this as an act of perversion
and disenfranchise him
completely ruining his career
as an apostle

thus begins the age old tradition
of being religious fuck-sticks 

my dog blasphemy

i had a dog named
blasphemy
he was a strange little critter
and when he tried to bark
all that would come out of his mouth
was
jesus h. christ  !!!
blasphemy
eventually got struck by a bolt of lightening
he was in the basement at the time
watching t.v. , i believe 

me and my moony

i met this beautiful  , wonderful moony
i asked her to come to church
to hear me preach
and so she did
with two body guards , in fact
who looked like the fucking c.i.a.
one on either side
can't remember if they had
dark sun glasses or not
anyway
after i finished
she was gone  , almost
 literally dragged out of the 
sanctuary

and that's the story of how
i never got any moon pie 

a lesbian friend

a lesbian friend of mine
in love and truth
fought for her rights
and just like "rocky"
emerged the victor
you know
the acceptance of lesbians into
our little shit hole we refer
to as society

anyway
during the victory celebration
she turns to me and says
"and next...we get rid
of those fucking bi-sexual"

...so much for equality

when confort becomes uncomfortable

for forty days and nights
this young man attended our community
doing sweet fuck all
just sitting there and looking weird
...but as long as he was "happy"...fine

then it happened
he joined in the festivities
the pig fucking contest
a couple drinks , great conversation
all of that shit... 
and we never saw him again

"so what the fuck happened ??? " , you say
easy !!!
someone rolls in shit all their life
take them out , clean them off
it feels so unnatural to them
that they think you are the devil

end of story 

 

had a witness...

it makes good sense
there is no real question , is there ???
the t.v. automatically changed channels
so some of the electronics must be shot , right ???
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
one little catch , however
what do you do if you saw
a stuffed animal walk across the top of the tele
just a few days before
i mean , does that mean nothing ???
do we forget about it ??? justify it ???
or do we write it into the script ??? 

had a witness , and neither of us were drinking  

my muslem friend

i told my muslem friend
that my favorite holiday
was the one where you guys can't eat til sunset
looking somewhat perplexed
he replied : "why ???"
i said that it's just a lot easier
to beat the shit out of you at tennis
when you are starving to death 

mohammad ali

mohammad ali was a draft dodger
rocky marciano was a fight dodger
babe ruth was a brooklyn dodger
and lennix lewis drove a dodge 

my beautiful reward

once i saved this persons life
he was drowning
i was there
an act of love
fuck
how did i know he was going to give me
ten dollars
anyway
i decided to take him out for a milkshake
went over to his house
had a seat
and there it was before me
a voe-doo dall
of your truly
no wonder my nuts fell off
anyway
he explained to me
how it was all my fucking fault
i shook my head
and we went for our milk shake
and this is the story
of my beautiful reward  

the halifax mall july 13 2013

drinking coffee at the halifax mall
this old couple behind me
were suddenly joined by an old friend
they talked about the good old days
all that shit
they smiled , shook hands and left
beautiful right ???
you know , at least until the old fucker was gone
for the next three years , give or take
all they could talk about
was how their bosom buddy
smelled like shit
educational , actually
you know
how many different ways are there
to say somebody
smelled like like a monkey's ass ??? 

the ghost

this young lady
had a ghost in her house
i told her
to suck its dick
and it would leave

knowing full well
she gave rotten blow jobs

models

i wonder how many models
in art class
are drawn with 20 extra pounds
or so
you know
some bastard kid
trying to get back at their dad
for all kinds of nasty shit
fuck
i don't blame the little turd
but the teacher who can point it out
that's one great fucking teacher
smarter than the rest
for sure

kiss the bride

what happens when you kiss the bride
and she turns into a reptile
or something like that
it can happen , you know
i've seen a lot weirder shit
point :
choose your religion carefully
and the ones that tell you :
" too fucking bad , your stuck
with the bitch "
well ,that's definitely
a shitty one 

as for the men
and them turning into a reptile thing-a-ma-jig
they don't have to 
let's face it
most of them are already worse than that
to begin with

young man to take over galaxy...

the gods ordained this particular individual
to rule the fucking galaxy
in fact
truth be known
he was ordained for this position
since the beginning of time
one problem though
all that he has
to take over the galaxy
is a baseball bat
and a bicycle
to travel to all the other planets on
point being
good chance that a bicycle won't fair very well
in conflict
with those big fucking intergalactic
killing, shit bending , nuclear thing-a-ma-jigs

well
that's his problem  

this guy's dog...

this guy's dog
was being chased down the stairs
by a much larger dog
anyway
he fell down the fucking staircase
and his eyes popped out
there he was
looking like an idiot
making a mess all over fucking floor
...and as for the much larger dog
he just kinda slithered away
and pretended that
he didn't see a fucking thing

rich man poor man

the difference between
rich people and poor people
is that poor people
are in the position
where they at least
have to pretend they are humble
when they get caught
fucking up

as for the rich
people will usually make excuses for them
you know
unless it's crucifixion time

drinking responsibly

when you drink
drink responsibly
for example
if you have only 30 dollars a day to spend
on luxury items and shit
and you have a 30 dollar per day drinking habit
then the responsible individual
will not eat a fucking bite
unless he can steal in
from some poor fuck-head
you know
use the brain
god gave you 

world orgasm day

i think everyone
in the world
who has an orgasm
on world orgasm day
should give the founder
of world orgasm day
10 cents per orgasm
15 cents
for a multiple orgasm
and a bonus penny
if someone screams
at the top of their lungs

did i mention
that the founder
is my publisher
what a fucking coincidence !!!

august 20 1987

if you are ever in the forest
and some fucker fires a bullet at you
right in your bell
or there abouts
just look up in the trees
count the little squirrels
and see if you can tell
which one has the fluffiest tail
you know
make it into a game
if you guess the right creature
you get a new car
that is
if you don't bleed to death first  

girlfriend

don't listen to what
people say
sticking your girlfriend between
yourself
and a maniac 
with a loaded gun
is not what it is
cracked up to be

she will hardly think
it is funny at all

there are people out there
who enjoy masturbation
more than sexual intercourse
and those people
essentially
are the happiest people in the world
or they would be anyway
if they didn't feel so guilty about
all that shit

headless rappin'

this rap singer
invented this really fucking cool way
of rapping
see
what he would do
is rip his head off his shoulders
and throw it into the audience
while doing his home boy stuff
thing is
he could get his head to fly around
and rap and bitch
but the microphone
no matter how hard he tried
would just drop to the ground
and he would be heard
by nobody

sex

sixty years ago
sex was saturated with guilt
condemnation and unnatural restraint
now
instead
it is this fucking casual thing
done by whoever , wherever
in any way , shape or position
but here's the shit :
in twenty years time
if enough people dress up like bees
and only have sex on top of houses
then that's exactly what
people will defend to the death
you know
like a religious truth
or something stupid like that

the fart...

when i was a child
i used to think that a "fart"
was actually spelled "farnt"
and that's how i would pronounce it too
anyway
times have changed now
i have come to realize that "fart"
is actually spelled with a silent "p"
you know
"pfarnt"
or just "phart"
...something like that anyway

how's the cult ???

so i walked into this fucking clergyman
he was going one way
i was going another
i say to him :
"how is the cult ???"
he says :
"fine"
then we both get down on all four legs
do circles
sniff each others ass's
and continue on 

the boston bruins

just a few minutes ago
my favorite hockey team lost
the stanley cup finals
fuck , it really sucks...
and do you know what ???
i wish i were a religious freak...
right now
i could roast a goat
sacrifice a virgin
any of that good wholesome shit
we have been deprived of
in the name of progress

you would think
in a half decent society
maybe we shouldn't  slaughter goats
but we sure as fuck can
run them over in our cars

now , that's what i call religion 

the pope

what the pope
was completely unaware of
was
that "fuck-head"
was a term on endearment
and that
"shit for brains"
meant
"i love you" 
as for "have a nice day"
there is no excuse
for that type of language

the clergyman...june 15 2013

so the clergy man
gets up in front of his church
preaches this sermon on adultery
says he is against it
sings another hymn
does the benediction
buggers out the door
packs his shits and rubbers
and moved in with his best friend's wife
just a few blocks down the road

amen 

august 17 1986

outside in the middle of the forest
camping o-natural
with seven or eight kids
teenagers , actually  
fuck ,  man , we could
be killed at any time
molested and eaten by wild animals

you know
 i'm feeling a bit peckish myself
"you campers stay here
i 'll drive back into town
and get some pizza "
i mean
fuck cooking over an open fire
it might attract
them there wold animals
or something like that  anyway

meet the baptists

i have this issue , kinda , anyway
i have this thing about
approval and name dropping
and bragging just a tad
you know , not much
just a tad 
and do you know who would
judge me for it
mentioning no names
the baptists , that's who
i will tell you this , dear puppy-cats
the dirtier the human
the more judgmental they become
as my great friend moses once said
and i quote :
"fuck'em , hey mother"  

ode to an octopus

it is common knowledge
that the less legs an animal has
the more of a fuck up he is
(take humans for example)
and that is why
my best friend
is an octopus
that octopus was the
best screw i ever had 

for women or men who want a new partner...

making love with a beautiful partner
can lead to a wonderful orgasm
but do you know what else can do the same thing???
doing your income tax
yup , that's right
all that fucking stress
can not only replace love
and stimulate the shit out of you 
but you can mail it away
after you are finished
quite the deal , eh ???

my key chain

for five years or so
i searched for this particular key chain
eventually
in a small store in montreal
i found the fucking thing
so what did i do???
well , i will tell you what i did
i bought the whole fucking box
is what i did
then i had 40 key chains
instead of zero
for you lay people
that's 40 better 

september 1 2001

for the last month of my life
i have been trying to befriend a horse
talk to him , warm up to him
expressing tenderness and gentleness
and all that shit
anyway
today was the day
i made contact
thing is , however
when i went to pat him
my elbow hit the electric fence
sparks flew every fucking place you looked
i ran one way
he ran the other 
until he stopped just long enough to say
"go fuck yourself"
(i speak horse)

and that was the end
of our friendship

july 10 1999

this crazy fucker
the reverend of a small church
somewhere in southern texas
gets out of bed
still quite drunk from the night before
crawls behind his podium
throws up all over the fucking place
and begins to bitch about the second coming
that it had already happened
and , for that matter
the second , third and fourth happened too
he tells his congregation
to go to the liquor store
stalk up as much as they can
because the shit is , indeed
going to hit the fan 

march 18 1986

i dated the ministers daughter
pentecostal , she was
anyway , when i went to have a piss
she looked at my stuff
and found some naked pictures of me
she went home , of course
and told her dad
you know , being righteous and all that shit

and i promptly got in trouble

...and here is the funny bit
18 years later
i was modeling naked in an art college
and who was there drawing
my bare ass body but
the pentecostal squealer chick
after class she walks up to me
and says : "full circle , hey stu ???
i just smile
indeed it was

april 18 1992

so some drugged out tit
got himself in financial trouble
with a motor bike gang
they sent him on top of this hill
to blow business men for cash
his pimp went away for a minute
to have a piss
when he got back
he caught him blowing this guy for free
he said : "what the fuck are you doing ???"
he replied :
" i am building up our clientele"  
 

hot dog roast

i watched this movie
where these teenagers
(a truck load of them)
had this hotdog roast
on the beach
thing is
the little fuckers only roasted
one hotdog
between the lot of them
now , i'm no expert in math
or in hotdogs
but unless  those kids are cannibals
they are gonna be really
shit out of luck 

sperm collection

the thing about having a sperm collecting
(that is
if you want it to be complete)
is that you can never make a baby
which
of course
is the very reason why
god gave us sperm
in the first place

i bet you
roman catholics
don't have this problem 

ode to a married couple

you hate my guts
and i keep trying to fix everything
give me a wrench
i will stick it through
my rib cage
right into my small intestines  
and you will be loving me again
before the night is through
darling

and if that doesn't work
i'll buy you some chicken mcnuggets

conversation

next time you talk to someone
remember
the content means sweet fuck all
all they care about is that
you look good saying it
other people sitting around agree
there is something in it for them
and you think they are a
very swell individual

fuck , any two of these
and they will believe just about anything

rafa and rafa

it was the day after the french open 2012
i was walking down the street
thinking of the final competition
i said to myself
"fuck , that rafa nadal can fucking play tennis
un-fucking-believable"
as the words (literally) crossed my mind
a dog barked
and then ran in my general direction
i said to its master
"what's his name???"
she replied :"rafa"  
 i said :"you mean , like in rafa nadel"
she said :"that's who he's named after"

and her and i have been friends to this very day  

may 19 1986

what i like best about the evangelist
is his 1500 dollar suit
and the fact that , by now ,
he has fucked every girl in the congregation
you know
it creates a mystery
like
when in the fuck is he
going to get caught
and how good of a liar is he going to be
and who is going to give a shit
besides the guys
doing the exact same thing
face it
hypocrisy is the common bond
that keeps the church together

the price of alcohol

if my penis
could go up
like the price of alcohol
i would be
the happiest feller
in this galaxy
and the one
that is destined to hit us
in two billion years time
(it's not their fault ) 

my father and the pittsburgh steelers

super bowl sunday
a few years ago
in the presence of his beloved wife
my father took a gun
and blew his brains all over the room
this could have been very sad and tragic
but i tried to see the bright side
the inherent joke
within the darkness
that is to say
when people ask me why he did it
i just tell them
that he didn't like the pittsburgh steelers

todays generation

am i envious of todays generation  ???
if by envious you mean
i am truly convinced that the poor fuckers
got suckered into a raw deal
without anyone even asking them
for their opinion 
then , yes
i am completely  envious

working through shit

this little child
is on his knees
in humility and true love
he says
"lord , teach me the burden
of unanswered prayer"

suddenly
he hears this smug cackle
in the distance
and a voice that replies
"is there any other kind???"  

ice cream

i never met my uncles
my brother disowned me then drowned
chasing some duck that he shot 
my father blew his head off
right in front of his wife
(by the way
the mess is far more substantial
than the movies indicate)
and my aun't choked on chicken
and died
(never even had a chance to
lick her fingers)

all of this , of course ,
has nothing to do with ice cream  

so my mother...

so my mother calls me on the phone
says , and i quote .
"your aunt phylis is dead"
i reply
"how did she die???"
she says
"she choked on chicken" 
i say
"well , she should have killed it
plucked it
and fried it
before she ate it"

dead silence

death

when people die
apparently
they stop moving around
(you know , completely) 
which begs the question
why in the fuck
did i buy
a hockey team
in the dead people league ???
maybe in time things will change
but right now
it don't look good , baby 

a man and his dog

this fellow got a puppy
kicked him around
treated him like shit
no milk bones
you know
doggy hell
anyway , he grew up
(the dog , not the fellow)

bit a child on the leg
blood , police
the whole nine yards
and the fuckers put him down
...and what is the point of this story
you may ask ???
simple
what does the dog
have in common with jesus ???
they both died for our sins 

this girl in australia

this girl in australia
asked me to suck her privates
in the laundry room
i told her to go home
and ask her husband if
it were all right
with him
point being
if he had no issues
then i certainly had no complaints
anyway
she quietly left
and started saying all this shit about me
to all who would listen
(the vast majority) 

eventually ,  however
she caught her husband
in an act of adultery
and went to jail for ten yeard
for cutting off his nuts  

billy mcdonald...not working with paul mccartney :

well , there i was in the studio
and paul mccartney
sure as fuck wasn't there
nobody really seemed surprised
we just went about our business
fucking around doing nothing
until the end of the day
when we all went home
that's about it

this girl

i met this girl
i think i am in love
thing is
she isn't stupid enough
to date me
yet
i feel quite assured that
there is a pill or
some type of drug 
to rectify the problem
i am a believer
nothing can stand
in the way of love

the second coming

jesus is coming
right out of the fucking sky
in a blinding flash of light
and he will say to us
"where is justin beiber's monkey
i'll give you 24 hours
to find the fucking thing
then you are all toast
no shit
i mean it
and it won't be pretty either"

the end 

an ode to chronic masturbation

when i was a boy
i thought
that if i could catch
another child masturbating
and drag him in front of
the meanest kids in school
so they could all
shit all over him
that would mean
that i wasn't a masturbator
anymore

so i did
and i felt really weird
but then god came down and spoke to me
he said
"the catholics have been trying that crap
for centuries
and it didn't work
for them either"   

orgasms

my doctor said 
that the average person my age
has one orgasm per week
my reply was
as long as in begins on sunday
and ends sometime saturday afternoon
that just seems fine to me

she said
that won't happen

october 15 2000

my father wrote me a letter
it said
"dear son
you are a worthless piece of shit
you can't do anything right
totally useless
and a complete fuck-up
sincerely
your father"

i took the letter to
"the art expo"
an excellent little shop
had it mounted and such
wrote on the back
"an apology would be nice
love stu"
and i mailed it to him

i never heard from him again

april 7 2004

a friend of mine
in his mothers basement
made a rather large desk
for a mutual friend
of both of us
thing is
he made it too big
to take out the door
a real pickle , this is
yet there is a solution to every problem
thus
our mutual friend
moved into the basement

...just kidding

YOU HAVE GROWN UP
WHEN YOU BECOME AWARE
THAT THE WEATHERMAN
is not so much an authority on weather
as he is a sneaky little weasel
who measures the size of his penis
by how much he can
bull shit you
and get away with it 

christmas in the tropics

it's christmas in the tropics
santa is here
"ho ho ho" he says
sweating his nuts off
"ho ho fucking ho
i'm gonna die
in this god forsaken shit-hole
holy crap
i've never been so hot
in my fucking life
i don't give a shit
how much i get paid
i'm getting the fuck out of there
ho ho ho" 

it's nice to see santa
think about himself for once 

the greyhound

so i saw this lady
playing with her greyhound
throwing a ball or something
saying..."gooochy , gooochy" etc.
as the dog ran back and forth
up the field

watching this
i couldn't help but think
if that were husband running around
looking like an idiot 
she would probably ask 
for a divorce
.

an ode to a yeti attack

o.k.
here's how we defeat the yeti
you strip naked
i'll pour some sauce over you
and put a bow on your head
then
when he comes running at us
you will lunge
as hard and as fast as possible
right at his cock
as i run the fuck away
as fast as i fucking can

good idea ???

april 3 1997

so there i am
outside bob dylan's dressing room
waiting for him to exit
so i can get an autograph

he opens the door
fuck
what a bad time i pick
to have a crap on the floor
i waited all my life to see mr.dylan
and now that i finally do
he is watching a turd
come out of my ass
all i can think to say is  
"sorry"
and "can you play blowin' in the wind???"

july 18 2000

on a sasquatch hunt
in the french alps
there never has been
a sasquatch sighting here
probably never will be either
but that's o.k.
because we are all really drunk
and i probably wouldn't know what
to say to a sasquatch anyway
besides
nothing turns a girl on like
a good old fashion sasquatch hunt
you know
like maybe the sasquatch will eat us
and this is the last chance
for a good old fashion screw
or something like that anyway 

the government

the government is secretly
breeding sasquatch
to be released in the inner city
and for once and for all
to put an end to anyone
who they figure
is mooching off the system

the name of this plan ???
sasquatch plan 17 b-7
(not to be confused with 17 b-8
where all the sasquatch
bumscrew those politicians
in opposition to the
previously stated plan)    

the tomato

so there i am
in the grocery store
buying just one tomato
next thing i know
there is this guy
two isles over
he may be the only fucker in the world
i would like to throw a tomato at
i pause
i hesitate
i walk out of the store
the tomato in hand

he is so fucking lucky
that i'm civilized  

i am walking down this street
i meet this lady and i say
"i just got back from the doctor's
she put me on this special diet
and now i can cut diamonds
with my turds"...
and she says

me too 

march 1979 , i think

you , me and some chick
were driving on this country road
with the music going
and i say
"what kind of music is that ???"
and you say
"dance music"
and i say
"well , we can't fucking dance in the car
so turn that crap off"

and you do 
the end

russia

do you know what i love
russia
a country with no werewolves 
they love me in russia
and i love russians
they are survivors
troubadours
drinkers of vodka
and fantastic hockey players
their women don't whimper
and their dogs don't bark at night
a hearts as big as siberia
and aliens from outer-space
no well enough not to fuck with the farmers

in the final analysis
russia is awesome  

you know you are a man when...

you now you are a man when
your shit is so hard
you can throw it through
a plexiglass window

or something is that hard
i forget , actually

the yeti

so you went on the television
and told the entire world
that i said
i could beat a yeti
in a fist fight
well
here is the thing
any fucking yeti's
show up at my front door
looking for a rumble
i am giving them your name
your number
the whole fucking nine yards

so go eat shit 

september 11 2003

spending time with a friend
we chat
share stuff and shit
anyway
at the end of the conversation
he tells me all about the aliens
how he has made contact
that they are staying down the street
at the local holiday inn
i reply :
"can they fuck ???"
he says that he doesn't know
i tell him i will take a pass 

the drummer for trooper

one day you are the drummer for trooper
on top of the world
bitching at your manager
about a fucked up contract
and how your drum sticks
tasted like shit
after you shoved them up your ass
next day
it's all over
you are dead
eleven people are singing
"boys in the bright white sports car"
at your funeral
as they piss on the clergyman's sneakers
and screw their faded wives
behind the grave stone
of mat mingelwood's cat

fucking cat
got all the breaks !!!

the modern prison

the modern prison
hands out aphrodisiacs
to all its guests
(not inmates...guests)
so they can
very politely
rape each other
in the showers

 

the crapper

once upon a time
there was this fellow
who had a beautiful shitter
thing is
he spent his entire adult life
watching it
making sure nobody
crapped all over it

when he died
he went to heaven
and god asked him
what he did with his life
he said
he wrote the american novel
and traveled extensively
through south america and europe

the sasquatch

i don't know if i believe
in the sasquatch
(big foot)
or not
but i do know this :
most people are liars
and that i have
never seen one

girlfriend in church

what pisses me off is when
your girlfriend shows up to church
with her boyfriend
and she doesn't even give you a warning
so there you are
preaching this wonderful sermon
on unfaithfulness
and the bitch keeps on saying
"amen"
and
at the same time
laughing her hole off
now i know this is
basically the way religion
always pans out
but it still
pisses me off 

jesus

did you ever wonder why
all the questions asked jesus
were rather stupid
(to say the least)
for example
when jesus said
"they will fuck you up
if you follow me"
why didn't someone say
"i get it jesus...
sheep among wolves
and all...
by the way
why did you put me on this fucking
stupid planet again???"
you know
opposed to :
"am i better than shit head over there???"  

august 18 1993

at the annual meeting
the clergy all sit around the table
to discuss ways to punish other clergy
who just happen to be gay

so i raise the point concerning batman
i mean
he is a homosexual
and if he were to save your life
because the joker
or some piece of shit like that
was about to kill you
would you just say
"go away fag boy
go screw robin
and get the fuck out of my way"
i think not a
anyway
they wanted to burn me to a stake
but i hid all the matches

tell the banana bread to fuck off

apparently
religious folk
don't like being told
to fuck off
nearly as much as i thought
however
they do appreciate
a good banana bread
and that more than
makes up for it

reflections

you know that person
you keep referring to
that big fucking ass hole
who plays tennis with his testicles
you know the one
you told me you wanted to see him dead
tortured , as you put it
and not the nice kind of torture either 
well , my dear friend
one thing you should know
before you are going to do
whatever you are going to do
mr. shit for brains, tit head , ars wipe
he is non other...
that you 

october 19 1986

it was my brothers funeral
we were all taking bets
whether or not
he would be raised from the dead
they were giving really good odds too
him being cremated and all 
furthermore the special
raising a corpse from the grave underwear
that i always wear
on such occasions
i had left in the laundry
i just figured that 27 years was long enough
for any planet
to tolerate my brother

afterwards i drank tia maria
and we talked about hockey

the sasquatch

if you don't believe
in the sasquatch
then squeeze ones nuts
and then tell me
you don't believe in him

belief is one % based on truth
and 99% convenience

evolution

evolution
did it happen
maybe maybe not
but here is the important shit
evolution is essentially
brought to you by the same people
who promoted "kevin's fried chicken"
as health food 20 years ago

point
evolution is a fucking industry
and it would completely disrupt the fabric of society
if proven to be crap
evolution
is it bullshit
hard to say
but one thing for sure
we will never know

june 1 1999

someone from "kevin's fried chicken"
called me up for a reference for you
i told them you were terrible in bed
very demanding
a tad fridge
and moaned like a cow
they replied..."what does this have to do
with frying chicken???"
i said
"she can't screw those very well either"  

the liquor commission 2012

so i walk into the liquor commission
there are these two employees huddled together
i say
"isn't it ironic that someone
made a million dollars off a song called 'ironic'
and they don't even know what the fucking word means???"
they just look at each other in shock
then they look at me and say
"we were just talking about the same thing" 

gamera the invincible

it is said that gamera the invincible
has the potential to destroy
the entire fucking world
with relative ease 
thing is
godzilla can kick  his motherfucking ass
across the planet at will
makes you wonder , don't it
who is this godzilla
why does god hate japaneese people so much
that he placed him up their snatch
and
finally
how insignificant does this make us???  

the dude and coke

the dude goes to work
opens up a bottle of coke
(because it's the "real thing")
begins to suck it back
when suddenly
his boss appears
"dude" , he says
"let me see the work you have done
on client 17-b5"
the dude begins to laugh
he takes his bottle of refreshment
and pours it over his head
then proceeds to howl like a wolf
at the ceiling 

the dude

the dude comes over to my abode
i ask him what music he wants to listen to
the dud says that he is too fucking hungry to
listen to music
that he hasn't eaten all day
and that the dude is starving
real bangladesh style 

and the dude want to go for a donair

...so we do...

the dude just gazes at his hunk of meat
tells me that he is full
that he had just eaten a half
an hour ago
and could not eat another bite
then he farts
or as i used to say when i was five...
farnts 

the dude is on top of it , baby
the question is
what the fuck is he on top of ???

my girl

my girl is the most angelic
soft spoken  , all loving
immaculate woman in the world
but she still has hair on her body
like an ape
and my grandpa was butchered by a sasquatch
so i wonder what that all means

anyway
be quiet
here she comes

master of crime

this fucker
a master of crime
cheater at cards
molester of barn animals
and all around shit head of a guy
well , the good towns people
finally got fed up
and chased him into the swamp
thing is
they all drowned
and he , himself
being an olympic
not only got away
but got to screw all the corpses

now , what did god think of that   

at this point

at this point
if you became
 pleasant
it would do
more harm
than good

july 12 1991

i walk these two small dogs
we find a yard sale
i buy them both sweaters
it's over 100 degrees outside
but they look so cute in them
staggering around
with their little eyes rolled back in their heads
the silly little fuckers
don't even know where they are
going around in circles and all
i wish they would stop throwing up
i hope they like the color  

september 10 2003

the last thing i said to my friend was
don't worry
we never get a tornado around here
next morning
we are all screwed
fucked , really 
trees all over the fucking place
1235 people dead
thing is
strangely enough
i knew them all
ass holes every one
they talk on the radio
about how horrible it is
the truth of the matter however
is that these were by far
the 1235 worst people
in our beloved city
we should in fact , rejoice
at its unprecedented luck

time to find a liquor commission  

just remember

just remember that
the next time you love someone
with all your heart mind and soul
so much you would gladly
give your life for them
you know
with a love as big as the universe

just remember
they may think that it's funny

nov. 19 1995

she doesn't like committing adultery
it's against her religion
so she steals her husbands clothes
and makes her lover wear them
then
and this is the tricky part
she tells him to screw really poorly
just like her husband would do
eventually he gets really upset
and says
if you really feel that way
then why don't you just fuck him
she is outrages
and replies
i knew you would say something like that

july 1 1993

we sit on the boardwalk
fairly drunk
and watch the people walk by
i have a loaf of bread
i break off pieces
and throw it at them
now i know
you are not supposed to feed the humans
because they might decide to stick around
and not fly south for the winter
but what the fuck
it's fun 

april 18 1992

so there i was preaching to these homeless people
when one of the more pentecostal of the group
began to scream at me
that i was leading all these poor fuckers to hell
and that he wasn't very happy about it
anyway
the lady beside him
began to scream herself
something about cutting his cock off
if he didn't shut the fuck up
                                               
...and all  i could think of was       
finally
an honest church service

the conversation...march 27 2013

there are some people
more than you can imagine actually
it does not matter what has happened to you
your dr. could have just said
you got six months to live
whatever
regardless
some how
some way
they will make the conversation
about themselves

bigfoot...march 29 2013

just remember this
if you ever see bigfoot
and decide to tell all your friends about it
from that day onward
behind your back
you will not be referred to
by your name
(whatever that may be)
but by..."that crazy dick
who went into the woods
and hallucinated
and did god knows what else
sexually and otherwise
to some poor unsuspecting animal
or human
or both at the same time"

just something to think about   

the movie theater...april 1 2013

thank you for coming
to our movie theater
in case your testicles
are somehow  removed
please go to our snack bar
for reattachment
in case of a holocaust
of any type
or some fucking dil-do shows up
with a gun and proceeds to
blow people away
please go to our snack bar
and if you want any snacks
you guessed it
the snack bar  

fucking well lucky...march 30 2013

we are all
very fucking lucky
that a few hundred years ago
or so
a bunch of guys
thought they could all get rich
by allowing us to be reasonably free
otherwise
we would all be screwed
and shackled

the clock...march 29 2013

during the day
i turn off my clock
to save energy
thing is
when i want to turn it back on
i don't know what
fucking time it is
i would look at my watch
but that hasn't worked for years

any ideas??? 

my kid

you said that you didn't like my kid
that he was ugly or stupid
or something like that
you know
a homely retard
or in that general ballpark
anyway
what i came to learn
was that you weren't referring to my kid at all
in fact
you were trying to get me out of your life
here's a hint
next time you want someone to go
just say
(it's quite easy actually)
get the fuck out of here
you will be pleasantly surprised at the results 

the baptist church...march 28 2013

thank you for your invite
to preach at your local church
unfortunately
your particular denomination
baptist
i personally consider to be
one of the spiritually darkest
and demon infested
shit holes on the planet
so i will
at this time
decline
thank you anyway
good luck in the lord
amen

vagina...march 2013

the difference between
a black hole
and a vagina

i have never been
sucked into a black hole

close encounters of a third kind...march 27 2013

close encounters of a third kind
the wonderful story
of a man who
destroys his property
abandons his children
cheats on his wife
then hitch-hikes a ride
with little green slimy critters
to another galaxy

touching !!! 

october 20 1996

i heard a rumor
that i freeze large rats
in my freezer
i would love to know
who comes up with this shit
not to get mad
or give them crap of any sort
i am just curious
of the thought process
that gets to the large rat conclusion

so many rodents left out
of the picture
for no particular reason   

febuary 19 1999

i go to my fiances apartment
for supper
there are nine meals on the table
each one in a different stage
of decomposition
anywhere from fresh to rotten
i say
"darling , how friggen unique
fuck , darling
i thought your dancing cat
was interesting
but this takes the cake
can you explain to me again
why we can't have sex...
ever ???" 

may 22 1987

my friend the lesbian
was caught at it some how
you know
the act of lesbianism
anyway
the minister is up there
preaching his hole off
coincidentally
on the topic of lesbians
the sermon is entitled
lesbians will burn in hell
the good news is that
he never mentiones my friend by name
the bad news is
he has a 12 foot picture of her
that he points to
every time he does not mention her
by name
praise the lord indeed
but who's lord is he praising   

here is how it goes down...march 22 2013

here is how it goes down
i find you in the garbage
hopeless
all fucked up
so i love you
breathe in to you new life
you gradually recover
resent the hell out of me
for helping you
every time you see me
you see your weakness
so you attack
call me all sorts of nasty shit 
piss on me when i am down
then disown me for bleeding on your
brand new carpet

sounds fair

march 2 1999

there i am
on top of my fiances automobile
as she drives down the street
i bang on the windshield
as the piss runs down my pants
i thought it was bad screaming over her body
while she was faking comas
but that was fun
compared to this shit
my friend is watching us go
he doesn't bother to wave
maybe he is being impolite
or maybe just possibly
it is freaking him out too 

the tally...march 20 2013

i finally tallied it up
and as it turned out
in that particular situation
with that particular group of people
i would ask them approximately 73 questions
to every one question
that they would ask me

masturbation is fine
but it should be done
with your hand
not your mouth 

april 18 2003

the thing about loving someone
fully and completely
and then having them disown you
is that they usually feel the need
to make up stories
and bastardize you
so they can justify themselves
and feel really good again
if you want them to leave the relationship
with complete joy and contentment
and not desire to hurt you
anymore than they already have
the best solution
is what i refer to as the
take a piece of shit
and grind it on their forehead 
solution
it goes like this
take a piece of shit
and grind it on their forehead
strangely enough
they will love you for it

the coming apocalypse...march 18 2013

the minister preached on
the coming apocalypse
how everything is going to shit
and there will not be much food or booze
or any of the essentials
he warned his congregation
to start collecting humans
and store them in the basement
if you want to keep your family fed
come the time of judgement

(praise god
the reverend was big on the family unit) 

december 18 1996

i once knew this girl
with three first names
two of which were the same
furthermore
she had 18 personalities
each one worse than the one before
she had three hobbies
lie
deceive
and bullshit
the only thing that she ever said to me
that may in fact be true
was that her father
was from outer-space

then came that fatal day
when she got trampled
by a moose
we drank and rejoiced
all through the night
and from that day on
i always loved moose 

      

the bus...march 16 2013

i like riding in the bus
behind ass holes
i sit there and pray
that the driver has to hit his breaks hard
so i can stick my front teeth
in the back of his head

fuck i love public transportation

the dollar store...jan. 19 2009

so i'm at the dollar store
and the fellow in front of me
says to the clerk
"got any surprise bags???"
i reply
"your wife turned out to be a bag
and that was a surprise"
he just nods
itches the back of his head
and leaves
the clerk some money

they...march 14 2013

they would not come to my funeral
they would just sit around
with their heads up their asses
shaking their head
and wiggling their tails
at my untimely demise
"ain't it a shame"
would actually mean
"i hope the fucker burns in hell"
if you took the time 
to look up the greek

no , indeed
they would not come to y funeral
but
come to think of it
i wouldn't go to theirs either

this guy driving in italy...march 6 2013

so there i am in italy
in this tunnel
suddenly this fellow
makes a right hand turn
right into the side of the wall
for no apparent reason
i mean
what in the fuck is he
going to tell his insurance company ???

that he forgot walls were solid ???
god told him to ???
that he was scratching his nuts ??? 

hard to say really

starbucks...march 4 2013

these cowboys
get off their horses
burst into starbucks
start shooting at the dildo wallpaper 
yelling shit like
"hi ho , silver"
take out their pet ants
and have a race
(the loser having to suck
everyone's penis)

they were later praised
for their organic behavior 



  

never gotten over someone...march 2 2013

when you say that
you never gotten over someone
what exactly does that mean ???
that you tried to run them over with your jeep
but their body is too  fat
that they ran away from you
as you were abut to blow their head off their shoulders
and you still regret missing them
really
i am just curious

what does it mean ???

neglectful wife

if you are being a neglectful wife
not catering to your husbands needs
and all that other stuff 
and you are wondering if he
is meandering around on you
you know
fucking other women
let me put your mind at rest
no need to worry
relax
take it easy 

because he is 

dating

i have had a few bad dates in my life
but the weirdest was the one where
my date brought her sister
i was going to say something provocative
like : "does she want to watch?"
but i decided not to
i was very polite
and have never seen her again
to this very day

heartburn

so this kid had heartburn
(he was an adolescent gay
it was probably from swallowing too much sperm)
anyway
that's beside the point
get this
his mother yelled at him
for having heartburn

weird , eh???  

our church needs pens

do you want a power filled church???
one that has the victory over satan
and shit like that ???
well , you have come to the right place
we offer you holy ghost ball point pens
in three different spirit filled colors
complete with the address of your assembly
and the name of your pastor

do not hesitate
and if you order now
get your absolutely free
demon sanctified paper clips
guaranteed to heal you of all kinds of nasty stuff

order today while supplies last  

making love

the young couple were going to
make love in the cave
however
when his lips approached her naked breast
he could not help but notice
that a fruit bat was already there
sucking away

so much for young love 

polo

so it came to pass
that the coach of this kids polo team
turned out to be a pervert
the parents
of course
were fuckily-ducked 
so they got together
pooled all their anger , fear
and rage
killed the fucker
and hired another coach
who , of course
turned out to be
another pervert 

but they felt good anyway

my first pussy

i remember the first pussy
that i licked
how could i ever forget
it turned around
and scratched me across
my fucking face

then there was the
second pussy...

blame

i could blame religion
i could blame booze or drugs
but nobody made me
smoke
drink
or shove up my ass
any of that crap

in the final analysis
it is we ourselves
who make up our own "mind"

back in the 70's

back in the seventies
in the n.h.l.
gerry cheevers was the coolest goalie
jaques plant was the best
tony espo had the highest number
glen hall was the highest
and ken dryden
became a politician
and taught us all
that running a country
was like lacing up a pair of skates  

comes a time

comes a time
in most peoples lives
when they turn their head
over their shoulder
left or right
either one will do
and see what is good
that they left behind
then
they have some big
fucking decisions to make

really big